By Patty Murray, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist | Denver, CO
When couples walk into my office for the first time, they usually come with a short list of questions. Two come up almost every time: How long is this going to take? and What's your approach?
Those are good questions, and I'm happy to answer them. But after years of doing this work, I've come to believe there are better questions, ones that will tell you far more about whether couples therapy will actually help. Let's start with the two I hear most, and then get to the ones I wish more couples would ask.
"How many sessions will we need?"
My honest answer is usually: it depends. Every couple is different, and the timeline depends on what's bringing you in, how long the patterns have been running, and how much practice you're willing to do between sessions.
That said, here's the rough shape of the work in my practice:
The first 3 to 4 months are assessment. We're getting to know your story, mapping the cycles that keep you stuck, and figuring out what each of you most needs.
Next comes skill building. This is where you learn to communicate what you're feeling, listen without getting defensive, and stay curious about your partner's experience.
After about a year, most couples move into a maintenance phase. Sessions space out, and you're using the tools on your own, with therapy as a check-in rather than a lifeline.
If a therapist promises you a fixed number of sessions before they've gotten to know you, that's worth a raised eyebrow.
"What's your approach?"
Mine is integrated, because no single model fits every couple. I draw from Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the Gottman Method, the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, and Internal Family Systems (IFS, or "parts work"), alongside my somatic training. I'm also open to talking about sex and intimacy, because it's often in parallel and teaches us how to talk about our needs/wants/desires both in the bedroom and outside.
What matters more than the list of acronyms is how the approach shows up in the room. Which brings me to the question I wish every couple would ask.
The question I wish couples asked: "What can I learn about myself?"
Most couples come in curious about their partner. Why do they shut down? Why do they get so angry? Can you help them see it?
I understand that. But the couples who grow the most are the ones who walk in curious about themselves. What do I actually feel when we fight? What am I really asking for? What's my part in this cycle? I'd love every couple to be eager about how they will learn and grow, rather than waiting for their partner to change.
That shift is a big part of what I work on in the first sessions. I find out what matters most to each of you, and I highlight and validate it. Then I use motivational interviewing to help flesh out the underlying want. When one partner starts getting defensive or pointing blame, I draw the conversation back to that core want. Under most blame is something tender: I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel safe. I want us to be close again. When you can say that, instead of the accusation, your partner can finally hear you.
Questions to ask a prospective couples therapist
If you're deciding who to work with, here are the questions I'd ask, and what I'd listen for in the answers.
1. "What happens when we start fighting in session?" Green flag: the therapist interrupts and helps you slow down. You shouldn't be left to replay at the therapist's office what you do at home. If the answer is "we'll let you work it out," be careful. Couples don't need an audience for the same fight.
2. "How do you hold us accountable?" Green flag: a therapist who can be direct and warm at the same time. In my sessions, I use humor and good sense to keep people honest. Accountability works better when you feel respected, not shamed.
3. "How do you make sure we both feel heard?" Green flag: a therapist who can describe what they do for each partner, not just what they do for the couple. Feeling seen matters more than winning the argument.
4. "How will you work with each of us as individuals, not just as a unit?" Green flag: an answer that includes curiosity about each person's history, patterns, and needs. Strong relationships are built by two people who each know themselves.
What the first session is really for
The first session isn't about finding out who's right. It's about deciding whether this is a space where you can be honest, be interrupted when you need to be, and leave feeling like you were seen.
I often tell my couples that therapy is about learning how to fight. Most of us were never taught how to disagree or share our big feelings. Conflict isn't something to avoid. It's a natural part of being in relationship. What matters is that you can say the hard thing and stay close.
If you're curious whether we'd be a good fit, I offer a complimentary consultation. Schedule a call and we can talk about what you're hoping for.
